The Power of Words, and the word "Power"

There can be no doubt that words have power. in the hands of a skilled orator, words can change the world. Words can heal, or harm. Anyone who thinks otherwise has never been on the receiving end of a tongue-lashing, delivered with devastating accuracy right to the jugular.

I am very good with words. I can seamlessly integrate an obscure Latin phrase into everyday conversation, and my vocabulary is frankly dazzling. 

I am very afraid of not having power.

This could mean different things. It could mean that I am powerless to take charge of my life. It could mean I am powerless to move my legs. It could mean, quite literally, that I am sitting in the dark because the bloody power went out again.

All these things scare me, but being the dark scares me a lot. I recently suffered through a three-day power outage. Cables were stolen from the substation that serves my neighbourhood, and as a result, we had no electricity. For three of the longest days of my life.

How much for granted we take this terrifying force of nature! I can't even understand why it causes me so much fear. I am not afraid of the dark, really, I am afraid of being powerless. I missed the hot shower a lot. It was during Winter, and I'll not deny that not having a shower can really affect your well-being. Thanks to the kindness of friends, I was able to shower at their house and take a small step towards feeling better.

 But it was coming home to the dark house, knowing that there would be no distraction from thinking, no TV, no light to keep the demons at bay, that started wearing on my emotional state. 

As you know, I overreact. Spectacularly. So what else could I do, but the only logical option available to me. I bought a generator. This generator.

Sweet Orange Box of Electrocution and Illumination!

I've not used it yet. The power has gone out a few times, but always came back on within hours. Yet every day, when I get home from the office, I see my sweet orange box and it gives me that little bit of security, knowing that I can push back the forces of darkness.

It makes me feel like Buffy!

Please allow me to introduce myself...

So, er, hi. 

When I created this a couple of years ago, it was going to be a chronicle of my weight-loss as I easily shed a few kilograms (say, 30ish?) on my way to happiness, adoration, success and all the other things that I thought being thin would bring me. 

You know what happens next, right? 

Well, actually, life took a different turn. About 3 months ago, I sent this picture to a friend in jest.

I don't really know the source, if it's yours, I apologise. Mail me and I'll credit you.

A month later, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety (Panic) Disorder. That's a kick in the head. 


Of course, the signs had been there forever. Depression and anxiety are linked inextricably, and mine manifests as panic. It's been two months since I first sought help, and I am making excellent progress. I am working with a therapist, I walk every day, I take medication, and I am using cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to learn new responses to situations that scare me. The theory is that the more you are exposed to something, the less you fear it. I have a lot of fears, all of them irrational. Everyone who knows me is very familiar with my utter dread of spiders. However, very few people know that I'm afraid of crowds, and avoid going to a social event if I can. The worst thing that I am dealing with though, is what my therapist calls sensitisation. It means that when something happens, instead of reacting rationally, I overreact spectacularly and irrationally. This is called being disturbed (irrational) instead of being distressed (rational).  I can't describe the panic I felt recently when I lost a ticket for a parkade (which would have cost me a few bucks to replace). Panic attacks are real, and they are horrible to experience. If you want to know more about anxiety disorders, this provides a very good insight.

Part of my exposure is to stop hiding away. I keep a CBT journal, but now I want to take that a step further.  I want to try and make sense of what's happened to me, what's going on in my life, and how I deal with it. I also want to help others.  

A few weeks ago, a girl I was at school with committed suicide. I know how she felt. You feel as if there is no point to anything, and nobody can help you. I am here to tell you that there is always someone to help you. All you need to do is reach out and ask for some help. That's what I did. It was in many ways the hardest thing I've ever done, but it saved my life. 

Callie, I hope you have found some peace. 

We interrupt the regularly scheduled programming...

If you permit, I am going to take a little detour. 

Since I was diagnosed with GAD, my life has pretty much revolved around having an anxiety disorder. A part of why I'm documenting this process is because I want to find my way back. A major part of my anxiety cluster is fear of failure, and extreme self-criticism. So today, I'm going to have a quick look at some of the girls that I am, aside from Anxiety Girl. 

 

Trivia Girl

 

I'm not going to be modest. I am the trivia queen. I love all obscure and random facts. I remember these far more than I remember what I did yesterday. I love it, and I have a trophy to prove that I'm that good! 

Loyal Friend

 

I don't generally care much for people. But the ones I select to be in my life are very important to me, and I will do anything for them. I have some trust issues, so I don't share things easily, but I'm trying to improve that. I recently met a new friend. He stuck by me through all the craziness of my deepest, darkest depression, which goes to show that even a new friend can be a true friend. For my real friends, RB, RC, CH, JD JKB, TB, SQ, NA and all the others who mean a lot to me - couldn't have got this far without you.  

Book Lover

A big part of my childhood was spent hiding. For me, this took the form of escaping into the millions of different worlds offered to me by books. A lot of the general knowledge I have I learnt from books. I learnt about horses and horseracing from Dick Francis. I learnt about serial killers from Ann Rule. I learnt about secret gardens, railway children, hobbits, dragons, vampires, ballerinas and children, just like me, who are different. I learnt about different people and cultures. I also learnt how to be interested in far-away places. Which brings me to...

Inveterate Traveller

 

As long as I can remember, I have wanted to travel. Of course my budget hasn't permitted the amount of travel I would have liked, but I have managed to see some amazing places. My bucket list consists mainly of places that I still need to see, and the number one at the top of the list is the Grand Canyon. Watch this space!

Animal Lover 

 

I love animals and wish I could dedicate my life to saving animals. If you agree, please go and make a small donation to an animal shelter, or even better, adopt a pet. The difference you will make to their lives and yours is priceless.

Rock Chick

 

Shakespeare says Music soothes the savage beast, and that is true for me of Rock. Loud, fast, dirty, steely metal and rock. One of the few things on my bucket list that isn't about travelling is about learning to play the drums. Working on that too. 

Giant Nerdgirl

 

I am more of a geek than a nerd, but I am a nerd nonetheless. I recently stood in a queue to sit on the actual Iron Throne. I don't think I need to say anything more than I have a radio-controlled Dalek, and a TARDIS USB hub. 
 

But first, let me take a shelfie...

So, there it is. I'm not just a girl with a disorder. I'm more. A lot more. And I'm so glad I spent some time remembering that.




I 

I love it when things come together...

 A few posts ago, I talked about my love of TV, good writing and feminism. I mentioned a few women who inspire me, and the path they cleared so that I could enjoy many of the freedoms that we almost take for granted. 

Today, I want to mention a few men who inspire me. There are many men who inspire me, my father, my grandfather, friends, men who treat women as equals and with courtesy, and men who are genuinely committed to making this world a better place for everyone. 

There are, however, three men in particular who embody something very special, and that's why I'm mentioning them here. These three men are all writers (in one medium or another), they are all feminists, and they have all struggled with demons. 

Joss Whedon 

Joss Whedon is known to most people as the director of the third most successful movie ever, The Avengers. But for a small but dedicated fan-base, he is the creator of some of the greatest television ever. That he was never recognised as he should have been meant nothing to him. He continued to tell the stories that he wanted to tell, create a universe for them to live in, and people those worlds with some of the most extraordinary characters you'll ever meet. Buffy, Angel, Spike, Willow, Xander and Dawn,the Scooby Gang, are probably what lured his fans to him, but his piece de resistence is and always will be Firefly. Captain Mal, Zoe, Wash, Kaylee, Jayne, Inara, Book, Simon and River are as motley a crew as you will ever meet. But they define heroism, and the morality of their lives is never diminished by what has happened to them. 

I don't know specifically what Joss Whedon's demons are. He is very private, and I respect that. I do know that anyone who creates a richly-textured world in which high school is depicted as hell, complete with demons, vampires, werewolves, witches and other metaphorically symbolic creatures, probably didn't have a great time in high school.  

Aaron Sorkin

Aaron Sorkin is probably most famous for his Oscar winning screenplay "The Social Network", and for writing one of the most quoted lines from a film ever for Jack Nicholson: "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth". There is no question that these films are exquisite and deserve all the accolades they received. 

The Aaron Sorkin I love is the guy who created Sports Night, The West Wing, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and The Newsroom. The guy who made American politics so engrossing that many people actually believed that Martin Sheen was the American President. Sorkin's writing style is very distinctive, involves a great deal of fast talking and wry humour, but he is also not afraid to pin his colours to the mast and tell us what he believes. 

Sorkin's struggle with addiction is well-documented. He has managed to turn that around, and he has received acclaim and praise, deservedly so. He has created some of the strongest, funniest and amazing women in television, from Dana Whittaker in Sports Night, CJ Cregg, Amy Gardener and Donna Moss in the West Wing, Harriet Hayes and Jordan McDeere in Studio 60, to Mac and Maggie from the Newsroom. 

Stephen Fry

Described by writing partner Hugh Laurie as having "a brain the size of Kent", Stephen Fry almost defies description. He would be at home in the 19th Century, and yet is so thoroughly of this century. He is a Renaissance man it its purest sense.  He is witty, urbane and self-deprecating whilst showing us that being educated, intelligent and well-spoken can be very, very attractive. Now best-known as the host of smash-hit BBC series "Qi", Fry has been around since the 1970s writing for television, and later novels and a few biographies.His life seems like something out of a Noel Coward play, but Fry has admitted that Bipolar disorder, drugs and struggles to come to terms with his sexuality have led him to contemplate suicide many times. 

For me, this struggle makes him human. He is such a towering presence, physically and intellectually, that it is sometimes hard to believe that such creatures exist. But he does, he suffers agonies, and while I wouldn't wish that on anyone, knowing that someone like Stephen Fry, who is surely one of the great minds of his generation, has overcome enormous hurdles to achieve this greatness is comforting somehow, and makes me respect and admire him even more.

Things I learnt from a three-legged dog

One of my wieners has three legs. He lost his fourth leg when he was struck by a car, and the leg was too damaged to save. He came to me full-grown, and bearing the name Quattro, which seems somewhat cruel. I call him Jethro, which he doesn't seem to mind, because he is missing a couple of teeth and has a distinct goofiness about him. 

This guy.

 Because life is unfair, Quattro also suffers from a very rare auto-immune disease which requires him to take immuno-suppressing medication and cortisone, which adds to his overall rotundity. 

Despite these obstacles, Quattro has a fantastic life. He gets love, treats, walks, and even more love. I get much more than that back.  He has taught me many things, but here are a few important ones: 

•  When something bad happens to you, adapt. Whether your scars are physical or psychic, learn to live with them. Quattro on three legs is faster than I am. 
• Never give up. It took us almost a year to diagnose his auto-immune condition, during which he suffered from it, losing his hair and itching. Quattro never gave up, and he trusted me not to give up either. 
• The love that an animal has for you is like no other love on earth, and it can be life-saving. 
• Sometimes a bark is better than a bite, but sometimes, you really need to bite. 
• Enjoy food like you don't know when your next meal is coming. Even if your food is basically compacted dirt. 
• Treats are important, and baths are too. 
• Do everything you do with abandon. This includes sleeping. 

 

Pictured: Sleeping with abandon

Confessions of a TV Junkie

A big part of having an anxiety disorder involves fear. That is clearly obvious - it's right there in the name. A slightly less obvious part, but no less big, is having a mind that races. We anxiety types are constantly running scenarios in our heads, and it's exhausting. It's the reason we don't sleep at night, it's the reason we panic about seemingly innocent events, and it's horrible. One way of distracting your brain is to watch TV (there are other, better ways, and I'll discuss them in future posts), and I have been using TV as a distraction long before I knew why I was doing it.

All this brings me to my point, although it does appear that I've taken the scenic route to get there. I love TV. I love trashy TV, serious TV, documentaries, some reality shows (really, only Survivor and Amazing Race, I swear), comedies and drama. But the one thing I love more than anything else about TV is good writing.

Currently, the best-written and acted show on TV in my opinion is The Good Wife. If you've not watched it, then run, don't walk, to the nearest video shop and rent it immediately, or if you were born after 1980 download it off iTunes or Netflix. Don't be put off by the somewhat soap-operatic title. It's beautifully written, superbly acted, and has managed to stay fresh through five stellar seasons, and the sixth is shaping up to be no different.

The reason why I have singled out The Good Wife particularly is because Gloria Steinem appears in the latest episode, as herself. This got me to thinking about people who have inspired me, especially women. The women of the early Feminist movements are, by and large, regarded with scorn now. It's very difficult for us to imagine a world where women had to fight for the right to go to work, to be educated, to make choices about their bodies. Although, actually, it isn't that difficult to imagine. It's still happening in many countries all over the world. Feminists are ridiculed, shamed, hated, shot at and somehow made to feel less than. This is unacceptable. As a woman, as a feminist, and as someone who was raised, by and large, by a man, I feel this very deeply. I am lucky. I have a wonderful education, I have a fulfilling and interesting job which enables me to be independent and support myself. Many women don't have these options. So ladies, to all of you, from Emmeline Pankhurst and Emily Hobhouse through the first, second and third waves of feminism right up to young Malala Yusufzai, who is a shining example of what a young woman should be, I salute you, and I thank you for the path that you cleared for me.

The most important word in the English language

As I mentioned previously, I love words, and I love language. The most important word, in my opinion, is trust. Not love, but trust. And for those of us with Anxiety Disorders, that’s a big, scary word.

I don’t trust. Ever. I let people in up to a certain point, but very few people actually get through the wall. That wall has been painstakingly built, year by year, brick by brick. Tearing it down is not easy. I’ve made really good progress in the last few months with the things that I’ve been doing under the guidance of my therapist. This includes exercise, medication, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), journaling and exposure therapy.

As well as I’m doing, and I am working hard for it, I can’t get over my lack of trust. I had a small setback today because of perceived behaviour instead of actual behaviour. I’ve learnt to question my beliefs, and in doing so, have a rational reaction to an anxiety trigger. I’m ashamed to say that all that went out of the window today, and I questioned something that shouldn’t have been called into question.

The return of that panicky feeling was terrible. I am glad to say that I handled it a lot better than I would have a few weeks ago, but I handled it badly nonetheless.

We are all human, after all, and you can’t expect to change a lifetime of behaviours in two months. The lesson I learnt was a good one, too. Confront your fears instead of being afraid of them. Also, don’t be complacent about anything, ever. It’s a slippery slope to Anxietyville, and I don’t ever want to live there again.