As I mentioned previously, I love words, and I love
language. The most important word, in my opinion, is trust. Not love, but
trust. And for those of us with Anxiety Disorders, that’s a big, scary word.
I don’t trust. Ever. I let people in up to a certain point,
but very few people actually get through the wall. That wall has been
painstakingly built, year by year, brick by brick. Tearing it down is not easy.
I’ve made really good progress in the last few months with the things that I’ve
been doing under the guidance of my therapist. This includes exercise,
medication, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), journaling and exposure
therapy.
As well as I’m doing, and I am working hard for it, I can’t
get over my lack of trust. I had a small setback today because of perceived
behaviour instead of actual behaviour. I’ve learnt to question my beliefs, and
in doing so, have a rational reaction to an anxiety trigger. I’m ashamed to say
that all that went out of the window today, and I questioned something that
shouldn’t have been called into question.
The return of that panicky feeling was terrible. I am glad
to say that I handled it a lot better than I would have a few weeks ago, but I
handled it badly nonetheless.
We are all human, after all, and you can’t expect to change
a lifetime of behaviours in two months. The lesson I learnt was a good one,
too. Confront your fears instead of being afraid of them. Also, don’t be
complacent about anything, ever. It’s a slippery slope to Anxietyville, and I
don’t ever want to live there again.
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