Please allow me to introduce myself...

So, er, hi. 

When I created this a couple of years ago, it was going to be a chronicle of my weight-loss as I easily shed a few kilograms (say, 30ish?) on my way to happiness, adoration, success and all the other things that I thought being thin would bring me. 

You know what happens next, right? 

Well, actually, life took a different turn. About 3 months ago, I sent this picture to a friend in jest.

I don't really know the source, if it's yours, I apologise. Mail me and I'll credit you.

A month later, I was diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety (Panic) Disorder. That's a kick in the head. 


Of course, the signs had been there forever. Depression and anxiety are linked inextricably, and mine manifests as panic. It's been two months since I first sought help, and I am making excellent progress. I am working with a therapist, I walk every day, I take medication, and I am using cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to learn new responses to situations that scare me. The theory is that the more you are exposed to something, the less you fear it. I have a lot of fears, all of them irrational. Everyone who knows me is very familiar with my utter dread of spiders. However, very few people know that I'm afraid of crowds, and avoid going to a social event if I can. The worst thing that I am dealing with though, is what my therapist calls sensitisation. It means that when something happens, instead of reacting rationally, I overreact spectacularly and irrationally. This is called being disturbed (irrational) instead of being distressed (rational).  I can't describe the panic I felt recently when I lost a ticket for a parkade (which would have cost me a few bucks to replace). Panic attacks are real, and they are horrible to experience. If you want to know more about anxiety disorders, this provides a very good insight.

Part of my exposure is to stop hiding away. I keep a CBT journal, but now I want to take that a step further.  I want to try and make sense of what's happened to me, what's going on in my life, and how I deal with it. I also want to help others.  

A few weeks ago, a girl I was at school with committed suicide. I know how she felt. You feel as if there is no point to anything, and nobody can help you. I am here to tell you that there is always someone to help you. All you need to do is reach out and ask for some help. That's what I did. It was in many ways the hardest thing I've ever done, but it saved my life. 

Callie, I hope you have found some peace.