Every year in October, the town I live in becomes a blaze of purple. This is from the Jakaranda trees planted by some well-meaning soul back in the early days of Pretoria. I must confess that I love them. They are beautiful, and the colour is so gorgeous that it feels as if Pretoria is under a gossamer purple blanket.
Unfortunately, this well-meaning soul ended up doing more harm than good. Jakarandas are an alien species here in South Africa, and although they are well-suited to the climate, they have become pests. The pollen is highly allergenic, and they steal water from indigenous plants.
Sometimes, it's hard to tell what's good and what's not. I am constantly being exhorted to try an "all-natural" cure for stress, weight loss, hair growth and many other things. The people who are peddling these products are, by and large, well-meaning. They are merely agents, and as such have no idea that there is absolutely no regulation in the herbal supplement industry. Stuff made in China may contain the same contaminant that was found in baby formula, but because it's 'all-natural", it's ok.
Well, I have news for you, suckers. Plutonium is all natural. Wouldn't want to stir that in my coffee, if it's all the same to you.
Snake venom is all natural. No preservatives there either. Would I drink it? I don't believe so. Not everything "natural" is good.
The Jakarandas are slowly being eradicated. It is now illegal to plant one, and the municipality is chopping down many of the older trees along public thoroughfares. Although I think it's a shame to cut down a tree, I understand that these pretty predators are causing damage to the ecosystem. In the same way, I am cutting out all the pretty predators in my life. Because in the long run, it's going to be better for me.
Thursday 30 October 2014
Friday 17 October 2014
The list is life
"The list is life" is a quote from Schindler's List (the film). For people like me, lists are important. I tend to get distracted easily. My mind races, and when I meet you, I'm already imagining how we are going to go through an ugly break-up. One of the many reasons why I'm single, by the way. That and the fact that my mission statement is "Trust no-one".
The lists help to keep me focused. There is a great sense of achievement is crossing something off a list, and it helps to motivate me, especially when I'm feeling down on myself or anxious about something.
A few posts ago I mentioned my bucket list twice. Number one on that list is visiting the Grand Canyon. I have heard people say that that is one of the only natural wonders that exceeds our expectations of it.
One of my bucket list items was Stonehenge, which I saw in January 2012. There is no question that it is an incredible place, and there is an atmosphere there which is ethereal and other-worldly.
I have only ever experienced that feeling in one other place, Mont St-Michel in France, which was also a bucket list item I crossed off in 2003.
However, Stonehenge is a lot smaller than I expected, and there are two main roads which go right past it. You don't see that in the pictures usually. I have such high expectations, and I get so excited about something, that it's hard not to feel a tiny twinge of disappointment when something turns out not to be exactly as pictured. I am given to understand, though, that the Grand Canyon is more spectacular in reality than in any imagination of it. I look forward to finding out for myself, and perhaps posting some pictures here!
Last night, I took the first step towards another bucket list item. I have always wanted to play the drums, and last night, I had my first real lesson. I did well, and I have managed to master the 4th notes on the high-hat, snare drum and bass drum, and also 8th notes on the hat. I have a fantastic teacher, Jesse, who is very patient, full of praise and very professional. I am never going to take Lars Ulrich's seat for Metallica, I'm probably not even ever going to play in public, but the fact that I decided to take a step which, for a 47 year old, is probably fairly unusual, despite grave anxiety about it, makes me appreciate just how far down the road I've come.
Lists are important, and should be used properly and not abused by compulsive behaviour. A bucket list is the most important one of all, because it is unlimited. I know that I probably won't get to see and do everything on my bucket list, but you know I'm going to try.
The lists help to keep me focused. There is a great sense of achievement is crossing something off a list, and it helps to motivate me, especially when I'm feeling down on myself or anxious about something.
A few posts ago I mentioned my bucket list twice. Number one on that list is visiting the Grand Canyon. I have heard people say that that is one of the only natural wonders that exceeds our expectations of it.
One of my bucket list items was Stonehenge, which I saw in January 2012. There is no question that it is an incredible place, and there is an atmosphere there which is ethereal and other-worldly.
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| Author's own picture. All Rights Reserved |
I have only ever experienced that feeling in one other place, Mont St-Michel in France, which was also a bucket list item I crossed off in 2003.
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| Source |
However, Stonehenge is a lot smaller than I expected, and there are two main roads which go right past it. You don't see that in the pictures usually. I have such high expectations, and I get so excited about something, that it's hard not to feel a tiny twinge of disappointment when something turns out not to be exactly as pictured. I am given to understand, though, that the Grand Canyon is more spectacular in reality than in any imagination of it. I look forward to finding out for myself, and perhaps posting some pictures here!
Last night, I took the first step towards another bucket list item. I have always wanted to play the drums, and last night, I had my first real lesson. I did well, and I have managed to master the 4th notes on the high-hat, snare drum and bass drum, and also 8th notes on the hat. I have a fantastic teacher, Jesse, who is very patient, full of praise and very professional. I am never going to take Lars Ulrich's seat for Metallica, I'm probably not even ever going to play in public, but the fact that I decided to take a step which, for a 47 year old, is probably fairly unusual, despite grave anxiety about it, makes me appreciate just how far down the road I've come.
Lists are important, and should be used properly and not abused by compulsive behaviour. A bucket list is the most important one of all, because it is unlimited. I know that I probably won't get to see and do everything on my bucket list, but you know I'm going to try.
Thursday 16 October 2014
The vanishing past
When I was a kid, we didn't have TV. South Africa came late to the television, and as a result, a great part of my childhood was spent listening to the radio. Ah, those were the days. As much as I love television now, I passionately adored the radio, because it allowed me to use my imagination and be an active participant, rather than a passive observer. Programmes like My Word, Just A Minute and My Music (all obtained from the BBC and broadcast by the magnificent Sprinkbok Radio) helped to shape my love of words and music.
We used to listen to the Cold Power Hotline on a Friday night, Squad Cars, Snoektown Calling, and the Man from the Ministry. Swop shop (or what have you?) on a Saturday morning, and the Little People's programme presented by Kathleen Davis at 4:00 on weekdays. These were the days of Malcolm Gooding, of gorgeous, plummy English accents.
CBT teaches that we shouldn't look to the past, we should focus on the present. I found that very helpful, and it has helped me to imagine a future. I do miss those days though.
I miss writing a letter, going to get a stamp, and getting one back in due course. I miss the days when we used to play outside, riding our bikes and falling out of trees. I miss the notion that life was simpler then.
Of course, life wasn't simpler. There were things going on around me that I barely took cognisance of. The country was ruled by a white minority who was ruthless in repressing information and created an institutionalised system of racism that is still casting its shadow, 60-odd years later.
There is a funny saying: "It's never too late to have a happy childhood". My childhood was happy in many ways, and yet dark in many others. So now, at the age of 47, I'm having that happy childhood. And I'm loving every minute of it.
So where is the sarcasm?
Please be assured, dear reader, I will be sarcastic in the coming posts. There is no escaping my caustic tongue. I do want to make it clear, however, that I am not mocking or in any way denigrating any sufferers of any mental disorder or illness. Far from it. I will be telling you all about my ridiculous overreactions to the tiniest situations, and how I'm learning to deal with them and take myself less seriously.
On the other hand, unremitting earnestness is frankly dull. I will therefore be throwing in the odd musing about life, the world, my two wiener dogs, life... wait - there are wiener dogs, you say?
Well, yes. Yes there are. More specifically, these two.
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| Spike |
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| Quattro |
It would not be an exaggeration to say that these two fellows kept me functioning during the very dark days. I also have good friends. Patient, supportive, understanding and above all, patient. They also helped me, and in some ways, saved my life.
Nothing I have achieved would have been possible without the support of my father. He is a man among millions, and I am his magnum opus.
Wednesday 15 October 2014
Are you prepared?
I live in a country with one of the highest death tolls from road accidents in the world. Our roads are filled with carnage daily, and barely get a mention in the news anymore.
Yesterday, an horrific crash took place at about 8:30 in the morning. An 18-wheel truck was unable to stop, and ploughed into about 50 cars during peak-hour traffic. An accident on this scale is too shocking to ignore. If you want to know more, you can find it here. Warning, the pictures are not for the sensitive.
Driving back from work yesterday, I heard a lady who was in the accident interviewed on the radio. She was, understandably, very emotional and upset, although she wasn't injured. She said the same things that everyone always says when something like this happens (and it happens with terrifying frequency here in SA).
Then, she said something I didn't expect. This brave lady, who had agreed share her pain and emotion with the audience of a major radio station, said that the fact that one of the crash victims had a fire extinguisher in his car enabled the bystanders to extinguish a car on fire, which could have been so much worse if they had had to wait for first responders. She said that she was going to go out and buy fire extinguishers for all the cars in her family. She also said that a lot more could have been done if people had first aid kits in their cars. She urged everyone listening to go out and buy a fire extinguisher, and a first aid kit. I'm going to do this today.
I listened to her words, really listened. She talked about people texting while driving. As I drove in peak hour traffic, travelling at speeds of between 50 and 100 km/h, I counted at least 7 different people texting while driving. Now, I don't care if they are putting their lives at risk. But they are putting my life at risk too. And I can't allow that. I want to implore everyone I know to speak out against texting and driving. It's rapidly becoming the number 1 cause of road deaths. Everywhere.
Please watch this video. Share it and spread the word.
My fellow South Africans, please drive better. Be more tolerant. Smile at people. And let's make a noise so loud that the companies who are putting faulty trucks on the road are shouted down and run out of business.
Yesterday, an horrific crash took place at about 8:30 in the morning. An 18-wheel truck was unable to stop, and ploughed into about 50 cars during peak-hour traffic. An accident on this scale is too shocking to ignore. If you want to know more, you can find it here. Warning, the pictures are not for the sensitive.
Driving back from work yesterday, I heard a lady who was in the accident interviewed on the radio. She was, understandably, very emotional and upset, although she wasn't injured. She said the same things that everyone always says when something like this happens (and it happens with terrifying frequency here in SA).
Then, she said something I didn't expect. This brave lady, who had agreed share her pain and emotion with the audience of a major radio station, said that the fact that one of the crash victims had a fire extinguisher in his car enabled the bystanders to extinguish a car on fire, which could have been so much worse if they had had to wait for first responders. She said that she was going to go out and buy fire extinguishers for all the cars in her family. She also said that a lot more could have been done if people had first aid kits in their cars. She urged everyone listening to go out and buy a fire extinguisher, and a first aid kit. I'm going to do this today.
I listened to her words, really listened. She talked about people texting while driving. As I drove in peak hour traffic, travelling at speeds of between 50 and 100 km/h, I counted at least 7 different people texting while driving. Now, I don't care if they are putting their lives at risk. But they are putting my life at risk too. And I can't allow that. I want to implore everyone I know to speak out against texting and driving. It's rapidly becoming the number 1 cause of road deaths. Everywhere.
Please watch this video. Share it and spread the word.
My fellow South Africans, please drive better. Be more tolerant. Smile at people. And let's make a noise so loud that the companies who are putting faulty trucks on the road are shouted down and run out of business.
Sunday 12 October 2014
A musical interlude
Someone asked me a few days ago “what is the best song
ever?”. I rather flippantly replied that asking me that is like asking me to
pick which one of the bacteria in my stomach is my favourite. Then, I copped
out and picked Guiseppe Verdi’s Marcia Trionfale (Triumphal March) from Aida. I
have seen this performed live, and it is extraordinary. The trumpet solo gives
me chills every time I hear it. I was roundly mocked for my choice. I know this is a long piece of music, so if you want to listen to the trumpet solo only, it starts at 3:48.
On the way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. How do
you pick one song? You can’t. What I can, and did do is start a mental list.
Here are some of my choices. I might need to pick this up again later.
Greatest cheesy 80s song sung by a drag queen
Divine’s you think you’re a man but you’re only a boy. I
can’t get enough of this song. It is so intertwined in my consciousness with
being a teenager in the 80s, and those were exciting (and tasteless) times to
grow up in. I know it’s fashionable now to mock the 80s hair, clothes and
music, but I am proudly a teen of the 80s, and I know where my loyalties lie.
Cheesiest 80s song not sung by a drag queen
Live is Life by Opus. This one also gets a special mention
for having the snare/bass drum riff most likely to make you use your clutch (or
accelerator) pedal as a kick.
Best Foreign language song
This is bittersweet for me, because I love German music very
much. However, there is no question that the song “Mijn
Vlakke Land” and “Le Plat Pays” – the same song sung in Flemish and French by the incomparable
Jaques Brel, is the clear and outright winner.
I would also like to throw out some love to Spider Murphy
Gang, whose iconic song “Skandal um Rosie” was my introduction to German
music and Bavarian Rock and Roll. Shhuuuaaaa!
Best metal song
Because my metal tastes are vast, this was particularly
challenging. But purely based on adrenaline, it has to be Motorhead’s Ace of
Spades.
Sexiest song
This is a controversial one, because there are quite a few
contenders. I guess it all depends on what you mean by sexy, and I think we can
all agree, that is embodied in Def Leppard’s Pour some Sugar on Me.
If it were my personal choice though, it would be Nine Inch
Nails' Closer.
Warning - video and lyrics are MOST definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK
Best Song to Sing along to at 3:00 in the Morning on the way home from a Gig
Survive by Bella Clava. Not the greatest quality sound in this video, but they are amazing.
Full Disclosure – I know the drummer of Bella Clava
personally. He is one of the kindest and most generous-spirited people ever.
That had nothing to do with the choice of this song, I just relate so
completely to the lyrics. The band is awesome, show them some love!
Best Rock Song
Whole Lotta Love by Led Zeppelin.
I know I’m not going to get a whole lotta argument here.
Do you agree? Vehemently disagree? Leave me your lists in
the comments or mail me about this or anything at anxietygirl999@gmail.com
The Power of Words, and the word "Power"
There can be no doubt that words have power. in the hands of a skilled orator, words can change the world. Words can heal, or harm. Anyone who thinks otherwise has never been on the receiving end of a tongue-lashing, delivered with devastating accuracy right to the jugular.
I am very good with words. I can seamlessly integrate an obscure Latin phrase into everyday conversation, and my vocabulary is frankly dazzling.
I am very afraid of not having power.
This could mean different things. It could mean that I am powerless to take charge of my life. It could mean I am powerless to move my legs. It could mean, quite literally, that I am sitting in the dark because the bloody power went out again.
All these things scare me, but being the dark scares me a lot. I recently suffered through a three-day power outage. Cables were stolen from the substation that serves my neighbourhood, and as a result, we had no electricity. For three of the longest days of my life.
How much for granted we take this terrifying force of nature! I can't even understand why it causes me so much fear. I am not afraid of the dark, really, I am afraid of being powerless. I missed the hot shower a lot. It was during Winter, and I'll not deny that not having a shower can really affect your well-being. Thanks to the kindness of friends, I was able to shower at their house and take a small step towards feeling better.
But it was coming home to the dark house, knowing that there would be no distraction from thinking, no TV, no light to keep the demons at bay, that started wearing on my emotional state.
As you know, I overreact. Spectacularly. So what else could I do, but the only logical option available to me. I bought a generator. This generator.
I've not used it yet. The power has gone out a few times, but always came back on within hours. Yet every day, when I get home from the office, I see my sweet orange box and it gives me that little bit of security, knowing that I can push back the forces of darkness.
It makes me feel like Buffy!
I am very good with words. I can seamlessly integrate an obscure Latin phrase into everyday conversation, and my vocabulary is frankly dazzling.
I am very afraid of not having power.
This could mean different things. It could mean that I am powerless to take charge of my life. It could mean I am powerless to move my legs. It could mean, quite literally, that I am sitting in the dark because the bloody power went out again.
All these things scare me, but being the dark scares me a lot. I recently suffered through a three-day power outage. Cables were stolen from the substation that serves my neighbourhood, and as a result, we had no electricity. For three of the longest days of my life.
How much for granted we take this terrifying force of nature! I can't even understand why it causes me so much fear. I am not afraid of the dark, really, I am afraid of being powerless. I missed the hot shower a lot. It was during Winter, and I'll not deny that not having a shower can really affect your well-being. Thanks to the kindness of friends, I was able to shower at their house and take a small step towards feeling better.
But it was coming home to the dark house, knowing that there would be no distraction from thinking, no TV, no light to keep the demons at bay, that started wearing on my emotional state.
As you know, I overreact. Spectacularly. So what else could I do, but the only logical option available to me. I bought a generator. This generator.
 | ||||||
| Sweet Orange Box of Electrocution and Illumination! |
I've not used it yet. The power has gone out a few times, but always came back on within hours. Yet every day, when I get home from the office, I see my sweet orange box and it gives me that little bit of security, knowing that I can push back the forces of darkness.
It makes me feel like Buffy!
Thursday 9 October 2014
Please allow me to introduce myself...
So, er, hi.
When I created this a couple of years ago, it was going to be a chronicle of my weight-loss as I easily shed a few kilograms (say, 30ish?) on my way to happiness, adoration, success and all the other things that I thought being thin would bring me.
You know what happens next, right?
Well, actually, life took a different turn. About 3 months ago, I sent this picture to a friend in jest.
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| I don't really know the source, if it's yours, I apologise. Mail me and I'll credit you. |
Of course, the signs had been there forever. Depression and anxiety are linked inextricably, and mine manifests as panic. It's been two months since I first sought help, and I am making excellent progress. I am working with a therapist, I walk every day, I take medication, and I am using cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to learn new responses to situations that scare me. The theory is that the more you are exposed to something, the less you fear it. I have a lot of fears, all of them irrational. Everyone who knows me is very familiar with my utter dread of spiders. However, very few people know that I'm afraid of crowds, and avoid going to a social event if I can. The worst thing that I am dealing with though, is what my therapist calls sensitisation. It means that when something happens, instead of reacting rationally, I overreact spectacularly and irrationally. This is called being disturbed (irrational) instead of being distressed (rational). I can't describe the panic I felt recently when I lost a ticket for a parkade (which would have cost me a few bucks to replace). Panic attacks are real, and they are horrible to experience. If you want to know more about anxiety disorders, this provides a very good insight.
Part of my exposure is to stop hiding away. I keep a CBT journal, but now I want to take that a step further. I want to try and make sense of what's happened to me, what's going on in my life, and how I deal with it. I also want to help others.
A few weeks ago, a girl I was at school with committed suicide. I know how she felt. You feel as if there is no point to anything, and nobody can help you. I am here to tell you that there is always someone to help you. All you need to do is reach out and ask for some help. That's what I did. It was in many ways the hardest thing I've ever done, but it saved my life.
Callie, I hope you have found some peace.
We interrupt the regularly scheduled programming...
If you permit, I am going to take a little detour.
Since I was diagnosed with GAD, my life has pretty much revolved around having an anxiety disorder. A part of why I'm documenting this process is because I want to find my way back. A major part of my anxiety cluster is fear of failure, and extreme self-criticism. So today, I'm going to have a quick look at some of the girls that I am, aside from Anxiety Girl.
I don't generally care much for people. But the ones I select to be in my life are very important to me, and I will do anything for them. I have some trust issues, so I don't share things easily, but I'm trying to improve that. I recently met a new friend. He stuck by me through all the craziness of my deepest, darkest depression, which goes to show that even a new friend can be a true friend. For my real friends, RB, RC, CH, JD JKB, TB, SQ, NA and all the others who mean a lot to me - couldn't have got this far without you.
So, there it is. I'm not just a girl with a disorder. I'm more. A lot more. And I'm so glad I spent some time remembering that.
I
Since I was diagnosed with GAD, my life has pretty much revolved around having an anxiety disorder. A part of why I'm documenting this process is because I want to find my way back. A major part of my anxiety cluster is fear of failure, and extreme self-criticism. So today, I'm going to have a quick look at some of the girls that I am, aside from Anxiety Girl.
Trivia Girl
I'm not going to be modest. I am the trivia queen. I love all obscure and random facts. I remember these far more than I remember what I did yesterday. I love it, and I have a trophy to prove that I'm that good!
Loyal Friend
I don't generally care much for people. But the ones I select to be in my life are very important to me, and I will do anything for them. I have some trust issues, so I don't share things easily, but I'm trying to improve that. I recently met a new friend. He stuck by me through all the craziness of my deepest, darkest depression, which goes to show that even a new friend can be a true friend. For my real friends, RB, RC, CH, JD JKB, TB, SQ, NA and all the others who mean a lot to me - couldn't have got this far without you.
Book Lover
A big part of my childhood was spent hiding. For me, this took the form of escaping into the millions of different worlds offered to me by books. A lot of the general knowledge I have I learnt from books. I learnt about horses and horseracing from Dick Francis. I learnt about serial killers from Ann Rule. I learnt about secret gardens, railway children, hobbits, dragons, vampires, ballerinas and children, just like me, who are different. I learnt about different people and cultures. I also learnt how to be interested in far-away places. Which brings me to...Inveterate Traveller
As long as I can remember, I have wanted to travel. Of course my budget hasn't permitted the amount of travel I would have liked, but I have managed to see some amazing places. My bucket list consists mainly of places that I still need to see, and the number one at the top of the list is the Grand Canyon. Watch this space!
Animal Lover
I love animals and wish I could dedicate my life to saving animals. If you agree, please go and make a small donation to an animal shelter, or even better, adopt a pet. The difference you will make to their lives and yours is priceless.
Rock Chick
Shakespeare says Music soothes the savage beast, and that is true for me of Rock. Loud, fast, dirty, steely metal and rock. One of the few things on my bucket list that isn't about travelling is about learning to play the drums. Working on that too.
Giant Nerdgirl
I am more of a geek than a nerd, but I am a nerd nonetheless. I recently stood in a queue to sit on the actual Iron Throne. I don't think I need to say anything more than I have a radio-controlled Dalek, and a TARDIS USB hub.
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| But first, let me take a shelfie... |
So, there it is. I'm not just a girl with a disorder. I'm more. A lot more. And I'm so glad I spent some time remembering that.
I
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